Conversations with Willa

First, apologies for the sporadic posts.  One of my goals is to become more regular with updates here, since this is the best way for me to keep track of Willa's first months.  If only I were better with writing pages from my phone!  Alas I have to wait for the rare instances when I can settle down with the computer while she is napping and I don't have more pressing housework to accomplish.  Hopefully now that I'm back at work (where I did the majority of my blog posts between clients) I can be more productive.

That being said, the headline of the month has been that Willa has grown so much!  We had our first smiles a couple of weeks ago.  They started as quick little half smiles that we weren't sure were meant for us and not a gassy tummy.

She's so cute here that I'm going to count it as a first smile, even though its doubtful!

 One magical morning Jeremy rolled over to say "good morning" while she was still swaddled in her cosleeper, and she lit up!  I missed photographing that one, but luckily it became fairly routine and I caught a picture of it the next morning.

 Very grainy due to the low light, but precious!

Fast forward only a couple of weeks, and now she has little "conversations" with us, uttering little syllables and waiting for us to respond.  It is the best!! For the first time I feel like we are interacting in verbal ways, and I especially try to engage her when she says "mamamamamam."  C'mon first word!

I was quick enough to catch one of these on video the other day, so I'll post it here for your consideration of the brilliance of our conversations, enjoy!!

Catching some smiles

Today is the last official day of my maternity leave.  Where did the time go?  I went into work yesterday to get clients scheduled (and to do some paperwork I meant to do after the 11th in the week I thought I would be able to work) and it felt great to be back!  It was nice to see my coworkers, startling to note how much can change in 6 weeks, and a relief to have adult conversations in the daytime.  I really am excited to get back into things.

However, as is inevitable, I did miss Willa (the babysitter came to meet her and we did a quick trial run, so I was able to go into the office for an hour).  With that in mind, I made two videos today to watch if I get lonely for her at work.  Hope you like them!

The first one was shot during her most wakeful, happy time in the morning.  I put her on a quilt and played her favorite Pandora station, then let the camera roll.  At one point Roxy came in, a little lonesome and jealous of the attention Willa was getting, I think.  She got pretty in-our-faces :-).

The second one was shot after lunch, before her afternoon nap when she can also be pretty chatty.  I tried to get her to smile by doing various things with my face, like sticking out my tongue, making silly noises, and smiling.  She smiled a little, but mostly furrowed her brow at her crazy mom.  So fun!

I'm sure I will watch these on many long afternoons at office, hope you enjoy them too!

One month old

Well, we survived!

As previously written after taking baby care classes, I was not afraid of labor and delivery, but rather the first month of Willa's life.  Everything seemed so daunting, how demanding motherhood is, how little sleep to expect, the limited ways that anyone would be able to help me, and the multitude of new skills that I would have to learn/master in order to keep someone alive.  But we did it.  She's still alive, doing well, and sleeping in my Ergo carrier (thanks, Erin!) as I write this.  Thank goodness.

In the last post I commented on how our sleep has been affected.  Since then things have stayed the same, with Willa's personal best for a stretch of sleep extending to 6 hours (midnight to 6am), although that was a one time event (but a glorious one!!).  What was funny was that I was actually more tired that morning than on a morning after two night feedings, since I think my brain was tricked into thinking it would get a full night's sleep.  She naps pretty well during the day, although I have had to keep her in the carrier instead of the crib most often.  No problems/complaints about that so far, I love to snuggle her, but I hope it doesn't become an issue later.

She continues to be a great feeder, and has taken to the bottle, no problem.  I don't think it affected her latch at all, but it seems to have made her a little more impatient with me and my flow, since the bottle flows so much faster.  She has also started to feed for longer periods, an average of 45 minutes instead of 20-30.  During her growth spurt her longest period was an hour and a half, which was exhausting.  Emotionally I worried that I wasn't making enough for her and was feeling guilty, but I know that she is getting what she needs.  She just needs more as she grows, and I'm thankful that she is getting so big.

Jeremy is awesome with baby care, I have to say.  He has been so helpful with bottle feeding, changing her before feedings, burping her after, and is quite good at getting her to sleep.  I love to watch them together, especially when she reaches her little hand up to touch his goatee when he holds her.  It's like her little way of knowing that it's him and feeling connected to him, and it makes me melt every time!

She can raise her little head up during tummy time, and is consistently able to flail her little arms and legs when she's on her side to make a toy chime.  I think she might be starting to watch our faces and try to smile, although I don't think we've had her official first smile yet.  She is able to work the facial muscles to smile in her sleep, which is so fun to watch, but when we make eye contact and smile she more often furrows her brow as if to say, "why are you smiling like an idiot?  My parents are NUTS."  Hopefully we can make her smile for real soon.  I will brush up on my improv comedy skills in the meantime :-).

Now the focus is on making the transition after maternity leave is over in two weeks.   I've been trying to build up our food stores for her, and we'll meet with the two caregivers in the next week to make sure that they are up for the task of Willa care.  Mentally I am very ready to go back, if only to see the world outside of these four walls.  I also miss conversations with my coworkers, and am wondering about my various clients.  I hope that I'm as successful in being a working mom as I have been in being a home-based mom!

The Sleep Habits of Modern New Parents

In preparing to be parents, I knew to expect very little, if any sleep.  In the first two days in the hospital this was painfully true, but as previously stated, I blame the hospital staff and my medical needs for that more than her.  She was also cluster feeding on the second and third days of life, which meant that she wanted to eat every hour or so, so I had to try to keep up with that while learning how to breastfeed at all.  But after we got home, I found that it wasn't so bad.

Let me clarify: she does get up every 2 or 3 hours to feed, but since we are only in bed for 8 hours, if I feed her right before sleep, we are only waking up twice a night.  She also only eats for about 20-30 minutes, so I can go back to sleep relatively quickly after eating, and I am not losing too much sleep.  I was shocked on the first morning we were home to find that I didn't feel exhausted.  After three weeks with her, there are really only two days when I did feel absolutely trashed, but it's because she was fussy throughout the night for one reason or the other (I'm certainly never eating spicy red beans and rice ever again!).  I don't know what it is about the human brain that adjusts to the wacky new schedule, but so far I have been able to function without a nap more days than not as well.  I hope this feeling lasts!

Not to jinx it (although this almost certainly will), Willa is a pretty good sleeper too.  She is usually able to get to sleep on her own in her bed, although she prefers to be hugged and cuddled.  She can also stay asleep for a couple of hours in her crib for naps during the day, during which I can be fairly productive.  Just today I was able to accomplish all three goals I set for myself during this nap time (iron three shirts, work on getting ink stains out of a dress, wash bed linens Willa barfed on), to the point that I was able to address all 30 baby announcements, stuff envelopes, and write this blog post as bonus accomplishments today.  It felt great toget so much done!

Right now we are starting another growth spurt, which means a resurgence of cluster feeding.  She has been able to sleep for four hours at a stretch exactly twice, and I'm hoping to revisit this once this growth spurt is over.  For now I'm thankful to still be on maternity leave so that I can sleep in in the mornings and put off housework until the afternoons.  I'm also eternally grateful to have had my dad here for a week and my mom here for the past two.  Friday will be my first time flying solo during the day, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we can get through it alright.   I'm sure we will, I'll just have to relax my drive to do housework and run errands, since I won't have a spare pair of hands to take her for me.  I now definitely understand why the Obamas had Michelle's mom move into the White House with them.  Extra help FTW!

State of the baby address

In honor of the State of the Union address tonight, I decided to do a quick update on the state of our little one.

She went to the pediatrician for her third regular doctor's appointment, and at 7 pounds, 14 ounces she is officially heavier than her birth weight (7lbs 8oz).  Her color is normal, her hips are strong and function well, her cord is all gone, and we are cleared for bottle feeding and tub baths.  The pediatrician said that she was healthy overall and that feeding must be going well for her to be gaining weight so fast.

At home she has started to sleep for three hours at a time at night, and about two during the day.  She doesn't quite enjoy tummy time yet, but can lift her head slightly when she is in that position. She can turn her head side to side, if only because the back of her head is still a little rounded and she can't quite rest on the back of her head for too long before tipping one way or the other.  She is still very, very wiggly, so we had a fun moment yesterday when she flailed on her playmat and made a toy spin a few times.  I'm not sure that she could see it, but I was proud that she made something happen :-).

She seems to remember "Rainbow Connection" but not "Goodnight, Moon," although she loves to be read or sung to, no matter what the subject matter.  She is a very cuddly baby and can sleep for hours and very deeply if she is snuggled on us or in lots of blankets.  I think it's a warmth thing since it's been so cold lately, so hopefully we will be able to keep her warm enough to sleep for long periods at night without risking SIDS in a couple of months.

Overall, she is the most wonderful little girl that we could have asked for.  She makes hilarious faces, smells amazing, and feeds like a champ.  She's pretty much perfect!

We love our serious little girl!

Parenting with the training wheels on

Because I had a c-section, we got to stay in the hospital for an extended period of time.  I won't write about all the bloody details, but I definitely wanted to take a minute to document what the hospital experience was like, in case any one is curious about the recovery process for a c-section instead of a natural delivery.

As I mentioned, Willa was born early in the morning.  Immediately after the procedure, she spent time in the nursery with Jeremy while I was stitched up.  Our hospital had the awesome policy that she would never be anywhere without us, so Jeremy spent most of the morning getting to know her there since I was a little indisposed.

After the doctor was done with me they wheeled me into the recovery room, which was a large room with lots of little curtain-lined nooks for people to recover from surgery.  It would have been awkward if there had been anyone else in there, but again, it was a slow morning and I was all alone.  The recovery nurse didn't have the warmest bedside manner, and I was impatient to get out of there, so she was impatient with me.  I think I was in there for about 20 minutes before Jeremy came in with Willa and I finally got to hear her stats.  The recovery nurse was a little rough-handed in teaching me to breastfeed, but to her credit, Willa latched right away and I was able to keep her there.  I learned the football and the cradle hold, which are still my two most used holds.  She told me that we could leave recovery once I could bend my legs on my own, which took a frustratingly long time.  It was definitely a weird feeling to not be able to get your legs to do what the brain is telling them to do.  After about an hour and a half I finally did it and they wheeled Willa back to the nursery while they wheeled me to my room (Jeremy stayed with her again).

I was only allowed to eat/drink clear liquids because of the surgery's potential effects on my digestive system, so I had a less than satisfying lunch of broth, juice, and jello (keep in mind I hadn't eaten since 10:30 the night before, which I remember because they must have asked me that 20 times before surgery).  My GI system played nice and I didn't throw up, so they released me to eat a regular dinner (thank goodness!).  I shudder to think of my reaction if it hadn't.  At this time I still had multiple attachments including an IV, pulse monitor on my toe, compression cuffs on my calves, and cathetar.  All while having to keep up with a hungry newborn.  Thank goodness for Jeremy, who did every part of the parenting, other than breastfeeding, for the first two days while I was hooked up like that.  What they also don't make public is the fact that the post-partum body has to flush out the heavy uterine lining that built up and sustained the pregnancy, so I was literally diapered for the whole time I was recovering.  Because I was less than agile, I had to be changed by the nurse, which was a little embarrassing, although necessary.  It's safe to say that I was pretty miserable for the first two days because of all of this.

Nights were odd because the night nurse insisted on having three lights in the ceiling on at all times, which made it hard to sleep.  There was also a parade of people coming in every two hours to check my pulse and BP, give me pain meds, get updates on Willa's meals and diapers, and just to clean the room, clear the food trays, or introduce any new nurse that would be taking our case over at shift change or when they reconfigured the staff to keep up with busy times.  Add to that the fact that Jeremy had to sleep on the world's least comfortable sleep surface, and neither of us had a good time those two nights we were in the hospital.  Suffice to say that I was eager to go home.

Luckily for me, both Willa and I did very well in the healing process.  After the morphine wore off from the original procedure, I only needed Motrin to keep the pain at bay.  The only exception was during the second night when I was trying to sit up, turn to the side, and lift Willa up and down.  I definitely pushed myself too far and I had to take a Percoset to sleep.  I also had an intense shoulder cramp (felt like a charlie horse) that I heard was common because of gas bubbles that get into the body during surgery.  Weird, but so painful I couldn't use my right arm to help myself up, and I decided to go for the heavy stuff to help myself function.  Willa passed all of her tests with flying colors and she stayed with us the whole time so we got lots of practice taking care of her.  All this meant that the doctors and nurses declared us ready to go home a day early if we wanted (which we so did!).

I feel that I should mention that the whole stay wasn't all bad.  We had a private room, which was lovely, and they continued to help me breastfeed so that we had a good start together.  We also had a few visitors, which was very much appreciated.  Audrey and Drew, being recent first time parents as well, brought a huge bag of supplies to help me in the first few days.  Everything from personal care products to tasty snacks to promote lactation, and even a thank you gift for the nurses.  Nikki and Curt brought Steak and Shake milkshakes (sooo delicious!) and spent lots of good time hanging out with us and reminding me of my existence outside of new motherhood.  So lucky are we to have such awesome friends :-).

So that was our hospital stay in a nutshell.  Overall I highly recommend Women's Hospital, but I definitely advocate being more vocal about turning the lights off, and maybe bringing a sleeping bag for the partner to sleep on!!

Surprise, surprise

Yeah, we didn't make it another ten days.  In fact, I didn't make it another ten hours after that last post before the Bun decided it was high time to make her way into the world!

On Friday, January 10 I had one last client before the weekend, and a brief meeting with a colleague to start transferring four clients to her during my maternity leave.  All during that day I was feeling more pressure in my pelvis, which I attributed to a heavier baby, and was experiencing my bloody show, which I read could be caused by a cervical exam in the previous 48 hours (which I had).  I figured that since the doctor told me I wasn't dilated or effaced at all, I would be overinterpreting pre-labor symptoms to call the doctor now.  During the brief meeting with a colleague, I started noticing cramping that got a little tighter and more painful a couple of times, so I started to note the time in case they started being regular.  They weren't.  So I decided it must be Braxton Hicks, which can be brought on by a wiggly baby (which we all know the Bun is) or, again, a cervical exam.  I decided to keep my eye on the clock just in case, and ALMOST didn't mention them to Jeremy so that I wouldn't get him all excited for no reason (I was still dead sure this was a false alarm).  But I did, just to be safe.  His eyes got very wide and a little concerned, so I immediately swooped in with all the reasons why this was a false alarm.  The pains were only in the front, they weren't that intense or regular at all, and they seemed to get better when I moved around.  We watched a movie, I kept track on my phone just in case, then I took a bath (which made them stop for a half hour) and went to bed.  Just in case it was real, I made sure to pack a bag for Roxy, finish packing my stuff, and shaved my legs, which I meant to do as part of a full spa treatment to get ready for the hospital, but was the only thing I had time for before bed.  I figured I would sleep the Braxton Hicks away, and would be able to do a load of laundry, finish packing up Christmas decorations, and run to the post office the next day.  Surely, this was a false alarm.

Cut to 3:30 am.  The pains, while not that painful, woke me up.  I kept recording them and continued to tell myself that there was still a chance it was a false alarm.  They started to get more regular and close together, but I told myself that labor is more painful than cramps, so the baby probably wasn't coming.  At some point I decided that 5 am was a nice, round number that wasn't in the middle of the night, so I would wake Jeremy then if the pains persisted.  They did.  So at 5 I woke him up, he popped up and took a shower, and while I took a shower (just in case it was my last chance for a while) he finished packing his bag.  I called the midwife, explained that the Bun was still head up and that I promised to come in at the first sign of labor, and she told me to come in, although I didn't need to rush.  We were out the door in 10 minutes, bags in hand, and snapped one last belly pic in the mudroom.  My face in the picture is truly hilarious.

It's like a combination of "oh boy!" and "oh crap!"

At the hospital there were no other awake people in the waiting room, so we were admitted right away.  They had me change into a gown, which I thought was silly because surely, they would examine me and find that I wasn't dilated and send me right home with a disdainful head shake for the hypochondriac first time mom.  Yeah, I was 2.5 centimeters dilated.  The midwife said with a little smile and flick of her stethoscope, "looks like we're having a baby today!"

I think time stopped for me in this moment.  What?  No.  I don't think you understand, I have work to do.  I have clients I'm scheduled to see Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.  I need to go to the post office today, I don't have time!  We have an appointment on the 20th, that works for me.  I've wrapped my head around being a parent on that day.  I don't think my brain can process the enormity of being a parent in a few hours.  But, as all parents will tell me and anyone else who will listen, everything else takes a back seat when we're talking about kids.  Especially the labor part.  It happens when it happens.  I mean, I knew this could happen.  I was even hoping for it by scheduling the c-section so late, just in case the labor would make the Bun turn.  But no, after one last ultrasound confirmed it, the Bun's buns were firmly down.  Not moving, thankyouverymuch.

Because it was such a slow morning, the time between me coming into the hospital and her coming into the world was only three hours.  As luck would have it the doctor who performed the surgery was one of the two I would not have chosen, and the midwife attending was someone I never met (despite the rotating cast of characters I saw throughout my pregnancy), but everything went smoothly.  During the whole prep process I kept looking at Jeremy and trying to ground myself in the moment with statements like, "this is really happening!" and "we're going to be parents very soon!"  He was solid as a rock and very excited, I don't think he was looking forward to nine more days of waiting, and now he didn't have to any more.  I was very anxious about the procedure and the imminence of her arrival, so he held my hand and said comforting things, and made sure to keep eye contact with me to keep me in the moment.  They gave me the play by play as they made their way down to her, and told me as every body part made it's way into the world.  The buns came first, then that must have startled her because she tried to swim away and getting her into the world became as much of a struggle as measuring her heart via Doppler used to be!  I remember being jostled from side to side a lot as doctor and midwife worked to squish her little body through the incision.  As one last statement of what she thought of the doctor, she let go of her bowels and bladder all over her right before her head was in the world.  Such a sassy little girl already!  My heart stopped when they said that she was here and I didn't here that immediate cry, but it came and they took her to the warmer to assess her.  They asked her name and I said it out loud for the first time, Willa Kate Fowler.  Our little girl.  Jeremy got to see her and to talk to her first while they finished me up, then I got a couple of minutes with her on my chest, although I struggled to hold her or to see her due to all of the machines I was attached to and the odd angle of my head, trying to look at my upper chest.  She stayed fussy and wiggly, then they took her to the nursery with Jeremy to check her out.

After 45 interminable minutes putting back together what they had just cut apart, I got to be in recovery with my baby.  They taught me to breastfeed, which came rather quickly to both of us, and I got all her stats.  Totally average length and weight, 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19.75 inches long, and Jeremy told me that our daughter was already very wiggly, needing to be swaddled in order to sleep because of her tendency to flail.  Yup, that sounds like the Bun!  The nurse told me that Jeremy was a natural at swaddling, and I was very proud of his fathering.  He got to do most of the heavy parenting those days in the hospital, and he did a wonderful job.

I'll blog about the hospital experience in a later post since this one is already so long, but there is our birth story.  In a nutshell, it was fast, unexpected, and totally dictated by Willa, which is what I wanted.  We are both doing well, I'm healing fast, and we have gotten to spend the last two weeks hibernating and figuring each other out.  Here's to the start of an amazing journey!